Bethanie Nichole Frost

        

 

GOOD NIGHT AND SWEET DREAMS YOU BEAUTIFUL ANGEL...

                           

hello bethany,i am sending an angel named jessica ericzon your way to take you under her wings. May you two play and have fun and make wonderful things happen to your family. i picture you in Jessie's arms.  shine on, tim

OM goodness, yesterday was horrible. I mean horrible. Your daddy set starring out into space all day. I knew what was crossing his mind, so I left him alone. I went to your grave. Who ever put the dafodils on your grave was so sweet. I don't know who it was and no one has came up to tell me it was them. I hope you seen the doll we put out there. I cleaned it off, that old oak sure does drop the leaves. While I was there I checked on your little friend MaKayla. You know that is why I buried you in Pinecrest, because Makayla, mommies friend's baby girl was there. I wanted you close to a baby. There was no room close to great nanny, so I decided that I still wanted you there, but close to MaKayla. She was so close to your age, you were 17 months and she was 6 months old. So I know you know all this...just wanted to pass some time. I missed you so badly yesterday, I felt it all over. I love you baby girl......

 

Well, not long now....horrible feeling this year to be setting up anticipating your birthday. I just can't tell you how much I truly truly miss you!! I love you Bethanie, a piece of me is gone and I will get it back when I meet you in heaven.

 

 

Love you always

Mommie

You know today is friday. Sunday you will be 10!! I know that your birthday will be great!! YOu have so many up there with you that your not alone. I was thinking today of the dream that Uncle Jamie had just before you passed away. I refused to hear what it was, cause he kept telling me that it was a bad one. He kept telling me that he needed to tell me about it. I should have listened....it would have scared me into not letting you out of my arms. Would you still be here? He seen everything was happening, and seen me and mom kneeling in front of the headstone. To see that it was your name on there. We were in the field behind the house, and he said that we were crying so hard....I should have listened to him. I love you baby more than words could ever say!! So Happy early birthday, and I will see you on Sunday when we put your balloon out there. I miss you Bethanie Nichole....

Love mommie 

Well Sunday is the day. Your tenth birthday!! Not sure what will happen, how this year will be. You would think it would get easier, but these are the days that hurt the most. The days when you go to visit you, and think about the times that we had. So many things that I wanted to see you do.  It is ok Bethie, God is taking care of us here. He watches over us along side you, and I know that soon we shall see each other. The girls are going to go and put a balloon on your grave for the first time this year. I usually do it, but they are getting older and it is time to let them do it. You know Bethie, each year around this time, daddy starts having those bad dreams. He told me that he started this week, and he had another one last night. Each time instead of your face, he sees the girls. I know that is a fear that we both have. To loose Aleeyah or Averrie scares us to death. To think that we could have to go through that again is always in the back of our minds. If you have never lost a child, then you never think of loosing a child..but if you have then it never seems to leave you. The thought of loosing again. I look on these pages, and I see all the families that have lost children, no matter what the age, and I feel so much hurt for them. No matter how long it has been, no matter how old they were..the hurt is so bad. I will always hold fast to the Lord bethanie. I will always put him first, so that I may stand with you in heaven. That I may be with you, and the Lord along with the rest of our family. Be with us on Sunday little girl, and really be with daddy and papa, as they both have not spoke of you since you left us. I wish I could see your blue eyes again, and feel that hair. I love you Bethanie.....

love always

Your mommie

Meet your sisters........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well the count down has began, ten more days. I miss you so much and wish everyday that things were different. I read on here of all those who have lost children, and I know that I am not alone. Sometimes I look at your sister's and cry because I wanted them to know you. I wanted them to see you, touch you and know the baby girl that is so precious to us. Aleeyah is turning 5 this year, and she asks of you all the time. You know it is hard sometimes to allow her to play "normal" little kids games. She will be talking to her dolls and tell them that they are going to fall in and drown. Bethanie, I shiver and tell her that we don't play that way. Uncle Jamie came out yesterday, and Averrie loved all over him, holding his neck and kissing him. I could see the tears in his eyes, cause we were both thinking the same thing! SHE IS JUST LIKE BETHANIE!!! You use to do that, you never found a stranger and would smile and make people laugh just because. Just cause it was fun to make them smile. Averrie is that way. When I am down and she knows it she will try everything to get to me to make me laugh. It is hard to believe that this is the 9th birthday without you. What is so bad is I remember that day that you passed away like it was ysterday. The smell of the water, the look of your face, and your eyes. Those blue eyes and black hair...like an image sealed into my head. The plane ride there, the hours of setting there praying that the Lord was not ready to take you. Bethanie, I have been praying so hard...but I might need a little help up there. Papa is still bitter, and I need you to angel dust him.......let him know that things are ok. Things are the way that they are suppose to be. If I had one wish, it would be that I could put my arms around you one last time, and until then I love you baby...and can't wait till I see you on that blessed day...

From now till eternity I will love you..

Love Mommie 

Well, baby...

15 days and you are ten!! I know that your birthday's in heaven are so much more spectacular than the ones that I could give you here on earth. I wonder what it is like in heaven? I know that I will see it when the Lord is done with me here, when ever that may be. I sometimes set here and look at your pictures and wonder what on earth I did...I want to share a story with you from the Bible.

I use this story as my motto:

it is the story of Job. I have taken to try to read your sisters a story about someone in the Bible before they go to bed at night. So each night I am going to try to do the same for you.

Job was a faithful servant of God, he was a upright man, one that feared God and avoided evil.

But Satan wanted to take Job down, and told God that Job did not fear God. He could take him down if he wanted to. So God told him...

And te Lord said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. So Satan went forth from the presence of the Lord.

YOu see the Lord took his protective hand off of Job, to allow the devil to take what Job had. cause God knew that Job would not curse him.

God was right, Satan took his oxen, his daughters, and his sons. He killed them all. The sheep were gone, the camels and the servants were all gone or dead.

Then Job arose, and rent his mantl, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground and worshipped.

And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.

In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly....

I live by this story...of how Job was relentless in his faith. I pray daily to have the strength of Job, to know that Satan will be behind me and God will guide me.

So my baby girl, I have not cursed the Lord thy father...and I will see you in heaven soon....I love you and wish you a happy birthday and goodnight my sweet child.....

Well,

We got back from Branson..While we were there we seen a friend who I have not seen in a long time. Her friend was there and asked me what happened to you. I was for once in my life at a loss for words. How do I explain this to another person? I have always felt like people look at me and say "How could she have laid down and not known that the child got up?" And I often wonder if people think I am a bad parent. So I explain to him, and tell him that I miss you and that God told me one time that if I would praise his name in all tribulations that I would be rewarded 1000 times more. Like Job. The story of Job inspires me daily. How he never let his faith down. Your the most important thing in my life, even though your not here in body. I believe that I have been blessed so much with your two sisters. The man asked me if I hurt daily for the loss of you, I told him there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I see you everywhere...when I look in your daddies eyes, and at Averrie's smile...and Aleeyah's hair....I miss you baby girl...until I see you again hold fast...I will be there soon.......

bethanie

For so long I have thought that Averrie looks like you. Well today, she was setting in the chair when I looked at her and realized that she was you made over. That makes for happy and sad times. Wondering what you would be like, would you be doing good in school, and what would you look like. Me and grandma thought about age progression, it is like I need to see what you would look like....what you would be like at 10 years old. To know who you would look like. I see Averrie smile and it melts me, cause she has your smile. She is just like you to the best of my knowledge. She has gotten past the age that you passed away at...and Jamie keeps telling me...whew she looks like Bethanie. Noone else will say it cause they are scared that I will think that we are trying to replace you. I don't think that, I am so happy that one of the girls look like you, cause that makes me remember you more and more...I miss you Bethanie, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you....I wish you were here.....I love you and will see you on the other side of heaven....meet me there...

Well I have not written in a while...School, weddings and birthday parties are just keeping me so busy. I miss you. YOu know uncle Jamie told me the other night with tears in his eyes, "so that is what Bethanie would be like?" He was talking about Averrie. She is just like you Beth, she smiles like you, she laughs like you and acts like you. I see her and think in my mind, "Bethanie, Bethanie!!" It has been so long since you left. I sometimes feel so bad, cause it is like days that I just go on and think of nothing other than what I am doing that day. Later in the wk or later in the day, I think what a cold person I must be to not think everyday of you. It is not that I don't I just have so much going!!I am so busy raising the girls, that I forget that I still need to take care of you. I have not been to your grave in a while.....and I am going tomorrow. You see as time goes on I sometimes get lost with what I should feel like...should I still hurt daily? Should I be ok? Is there someting wrong with me either way? I just get so confused. Well I truly truly miss you....more than words or writing can ever tell you....I'm praying for the Moore family, they have to have 1 year in the next couple of wks, and I know how hard that is. To imagine that your loved one is gone, and that there is honestly NOTHING that we can do is devestating...I love you Bethanie....The same today, tomorrow and forever my baby girl :-(

Well today is the day. The day that you left me forever. I have waited and noone has said anything to me about the day!! As usual...but that is ok they are coping with your leaving the best way that they can. So many things have went through my mind today. Your smile, your face, your hair. And then I see you in that room at CHS and I see you laying there and the feel of your skin. You know there are things that I just can't get out of my mind. It is hard to hold the kids heads when they fall asleep. I have to put them down right then. It reminds me of that night when you passed away, they told me that they would clean you up and let me hold you before I left. I went in and your head was so heavy, your body was cold and heavy. I just can't get past that feeling. Aleeyah and Averrie fall asleep and I can't even look at them sleeping. People think that this long after your gone, that things get better. They don't get worse they just hide away. Your death has changed my life forever. I am a mother who has lost, I can't watch my kids and hold them while they sleep. I can't stand to let my kids stay anywhere for fear something would happen to them. I can't have a pool, and I trust nothing. We check the bathtubs a thousand times a night. And try to use fear to keep the girls away from water.... This day is always harder than the others....cause every year I wonder if there was something that I could have done different. Could I have done anything in a certain way. You know I think that you left before Kris, but there is a reason that we have met. And I know that you have everything to with that. I love you Bethanie and there are no words in this world that can tell you what you mean to me, even after all these years.  I am loving the Lord with all my heart Bethanie so that I can join you in heaven soon....I love you and your sister's and daddy loves you bunches.

Well Bethanie,

It is one wk today till you have been gone for so long. I just set and think about how much of a help you would be. Nine and probably so independent, yet you were so wonderful so i know that you would have helped me so much with Aleeyah and Averrie. Everyday still fills like a dream sometimes, yet the pain hides till this time. I remember that day all to well, and I wish those images would leave. Only the good images would stay. I know that won't ever happen...but maybe you could brush them away this wk with your angel wings? You know the night that we were setting in the room at CHS waiting for them to tell us that you were not making it (we already knew) I remember papa looking over at the preacher and asking him if the lord owed him a favor. You know Bethanie, I have came to realize the Lord owes me nothing. He has a reason and who am I to question it? The few 17 months that I had you were the best 17 months of my life. At least i was blessed with you for that time. For some reason your work here was done, and I am not sure what that was. Be with your daddie, he still to this day has a hard time, he won't talk about you, and he does not want to mention that day. I still remember him holding you up and screaming and just looking at me as I tried to save you. I remember setting in the waiting room in mena and we were waiting for the angel flight to come and take you to children's. i was setting in the floor with my hands wrapped around your daddies legs, and smelling that pond water. I still to this day hate that smell and get sick everytime I smell it. I remember them coming out and saying we have a heartbeat, faint yet we have one. I was excited!! They can save her now! That is what I thought. Take all these images from my mind, I don't want to dream about that day this wk bethanie please.....Well I love you Baby and I am coming to visit today. I miss you more than life, today, tomorrow and forever.....One day down a lifetime to go......

You know I have not written you in a while. Bethanie, you have to wonder why none of the family comes on here and writes to you or lights a candle. I have not shared this site with them. I have not told them. They would not understand, and you know that. This is a site for me and you..To get my feelings out to you, and not feel as if I must keep them bottled up. Noone but Kris's family understands that. I was thinking today of when you passed away. Daddy heard you crying outside, and he thought that I had you. He never got up to check on you. WHY!!?? That makes me hurt so bad, cause you could be here if he would have. I don't blame your daddy, but I always wondered why..I want to tell you I am sorry Beth..sorry for laying down for a nap with you. I am sorry for the spanking you got earlier that day..I am so sorry...I did not know what was going to happen, but I feel like I should have been able to stop you from going to that pond. Please forgive me baby girl. I should have never laid down. Watch over Kris's family. As you know his birthday is the day before your anniversary, and you be with him then K..I know he gave you a grand party, you try to do the same. K..Give him bunches of hugs and kisses from his parents, and his brothers and sisters. They are wonderful people baby, I wish we would have met them under different situtations...I miss you and love you more than life...be with me always by my side...and tell the LORD that I love him more than life.

You know Bethanie, this wk has been hard on me to begin with. But then to add Shane passing away is harder than I thought. I knew him not well, but well enough to feel pain. I used to play with him when I was young. It is raining outside today and I remember the day you passed away. It rained. I think in my mind that everytime that I can remember it raines when someone passes away, and I always wonder if that is the person who has passed away crying for the ones that he leaves behind? I have always wondered that. nanna is taking this hard, Bethanie...Maybe you could help her out a bit. Ask the Lord to watch over her, and for Ginny Shanes, mommie. I know what she is feeling right now Bethanie, and I know that nothing is worse than what she is feeling right now.....I know that this is the hardest thing that she will ever endure.....

I was setting here just wondering about something. What made you want to go to that pond that day Bethanie. You walked so far down grandma's driveway and you could have went to Peepaws shop. He had the doors opened...why the pond?? Was it bear?? Was it daisy the duck?? Why?? I am sure that I will never truly know why, until I get to heaven, but I set and wonder sometimes. I have fought with that for many years, were you looking for me? Did you cry out for me? What went through your mind? Did you know what was happening? It is a horrible thing to have to set and think about these things. So many unanswered questions, that I just wish I did not have them...I hate these thoughts sometimes, and always try to change my thoughts. For some reason, I have thought alot about that day, the way you looked. Bethanie watch over "Hutch", he is the cop that took you from me and started CPR. He is the one that visited with me at the hospital and helped us so much. He recently had throat surgery for cancer, and is taking treatments. Watch over him...he is a big part of you and a big part of my life...I love you baby, and wish that I could be celebrating your summer before you go into the 4th grade..seems so strange to say that you would be 9 and in fourth grade...Watch over us all...I love you

Hey baby girl. This is the first memorial that I have been gone. Daddie said yesterday that there were so many things that we needed to do. I asked him if he realized that we had not taken care of our daughter. He just put his head down. He knew that we had been so busy. Guilt is a hard thing to deal with. Knowing that sometimes our lives get so busy, that we don't make it out to see you. I wish that things were not like this. I wish you were here, you were in my arms,  you were fighting and arguing with the girls. I know that life is like a vapour, and thatevery hair on your head is counted. The Lord knew that it was your time. Why??? Who knows?? he does. I am coming out today to see you today. And work on your grave. I then am going to slip over to Kristofer's so let him know that I did not forget about him. Watch over us all and make sure that Kris's family is watched over K

I was thinking about the surgery that you had when you were six months old last night. I remember setting in that room, and they brought this little nightgown in for you to wear, and house shoes. You were such a good baby, you did not wake at all till they made me hand you over to them. I remember walking down the hall way with them and they got to these double doors, and they said Ma'am you can't go any further. I handed you over, and looked at you as you woke up and started crying. I cried the whole time. When we got home later that night, you were sick, yet you wanted to play. I called the nurse and told her "how am I supposed to keep her down" she told me not to worry about it. That if you were wanting to play let you. I was so happy that you were ok, and that things were going to get better. they never did Bethanie, your belly button was going to have to be operated on again, and that was going to be hard on us. After the surgery you were always so sick, and then you left me. I miss those days, and would give my life to have them back with me. I think of the song that I have on your page. That is the truth, I MISS THIS, you and everything about you. I love you Bethanie... and I miss you more know than ever. your face your smile, your hair. and your voice. I know that the Lord is treating you well, and that Kris is watching you for me. I love you....

Well baby girl it is almost memorial day. This time 9 years ago we were going camping for the first time. I remember you got your first sun burn on your little face. I felt so bad, thinking that I had not done enough to stop it  But Nana told me that everything was ok. You would be fine. I remember you setting in the bass boat  ...you were so little..I think you about 3 1/2 months old. Nana was standing there hold you up cause you could not even set up. we have pictures of her laughing and your little head bobbing lol....lol....Funny then and sad now. Cause I wish I had so many more memories of you..I love you baby girl.....

Just setting here thinking about you. You know Bethie, it has been so long since you left me. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. Hard to believe that it has been 8 years in July. I don't know why the Lord took you, and I have come to understand that things happen for a reason. I remember telling the preacher, even if the Lord gave me a reason that he took you, would I except it? Would I take it for an answer. Probably not. I know that nothing was going to change the way i was feeling at that time. I think now Bethie, let the Lord know that I except the answer..I don't know what it is, but I except. He knows what is best for us all. as i look at Aleeyah and Averrie, I often find myself wondering, what would you look like, what would you act like. You would be such a big help with your little sister's. I look at Averrie and she reminds me so much of you, that little voice and I think is this what she would be like? You passed away at the age that Averrie is right now. That is hard. It was hard with Aleeyah, but Averrie is so much like you. She is so loving like you, and that little voice that says HI as she waves...reminds me of you...I was wanting to find someone who could age progress your pictures that I have of you. Me and grandma was talking about it, and we would love to see what you would look like. Well I miss you more than life Bethanie. There are no words...to express what I feel even after all these years...As if a part of me is still and always will be missing. I love you. Until we meet on the other side....

Bethi,

Well it is 10:00pm and by this time I was starting in labor with you. The stress has been hard on me today. I feel my self snapping at the girls..I know it is because a lot of the times I think that I have to just be strong and I just can't keep it together. There is alot of feelings that I don't show nanna, papa, and Meemaw and Peepaw. Not even your daddy. I just wish that things were so different. That you were here to see your two sisters, Aleeyah and Averrie. Averrie looks so much like you. She reminds me of you so much some times that I could just set and stare at her. Aleeyah is such a sweet heart. She is the one that keeps the peace in the family...I know that you love the new song that I put on your page...I use to sing this to you when I was putting you to sleep. I remember you looking up at me and just smiling from ear to ear. You know I am watching Castaway right now, and I just wish that the story that plays out on this movie would come to life here. Your gone for a while, but are found to be alive some where..and you come back to me. I know that this will never happen but I guess it don't hurt to hope huh?  You know you have a new cousin. He was born Sat...He is so cute...His name is Jaren Alan'Lee. Telissa is getting big, she will be 8 in July. It has been hard to see her grow up, she was born right before you passed away. They were holding her there when I looked up and said that you were gone. She was the first thing that I reached for. It is getting harder for me, since Averrie looks so much like you and right now she is at the age that you passed away. I guard her with every breath that I have. I am so scared that something will happen to her. She has your smile. Well baby girl Happy birthday, and I love you to the ends of the earth and beyond. Be with us tomorrow Bethi....We love you.....

Well tomorrow is your birthday..I am going out of town, in hopes that my mind will not stray all day. Daddy is staying here with your sisters. He said that tomorrow morning he was taking them to your grave..I hope you seen the balloon I put out there...as always. Every year a year older, and every year I hurt more..So many people have came on here Bethi, watch over them all, be their angel also. I hope that you and Kristofer, Dakota and all the others are having a great time. I know that a birthday party up there is so much better than one here :0) I am getting that video of your first birthday..I don't know if I can watch it, to see life in you when I want you here so bad..watch over all of us baby, and tell Kris and them I said hello...I always tell your father "till we meet on the other side of heaven" and I tell you that hopefully soon we will meet on the other side of heaven..I love you so much...and miss you even more.....

I remember the night of jamie's graduation. We were all setting there and it was quite for prayer..Papa was holding you and you seen a fly go by. YOu started yelling BIG BUG..the whole gym starting laughing. And you continued on, people where laughing and having a blast..Even the man who was praying got a good giggle out of that one..I hope you see the BIG BUG i put on your grave...You loved lady bugs and big birds...I love you baby

March 29, 1999

I remember when you were born. That night I had been through so much and I was tired...but it did not matter, I remember looking at you and thinking what a gorgeous baby girl. You slept through the night that first night. I called the nurses every min telling them that my mom had told me that I was supposed to have a crying baby, why wasn't she crying...you were just so good...